Self-destruction vs. motivation

So it’s been a while since my last post. I’ve been busy, but also, demotivated. I had time last week when I had a day off, which I could have used to write here. But S.A.D stopped me.

And I can feel everything around me that needs doing piling up, because I’m not doing it. I have to do work, obviously, otherwise I’d lose my job, but other than that, it’s like I’ve lost any motivation to do anything else.

I’m really annoyed that I started up a course a few weeks back, well an intro to a course anyway, which ends tonight. I’m not going. I tried going last week – and was locked out. In the rain. Which wasn’t great… but the week before that I didn’t go because I ‘couldn’t be bothered’.

Now, I paid for this course. It’s a subject area I want to know more about, and will even help me understand things enough to impact the direction of my career. You don’t have a certificate at the end, it was just suitable and interesting. I can take it again next year. But every time I feel I can’t be bothered, I beat myself up it.

I think even using the term ‘can’t be bothered’ implies to myself I’m just being lazy, instead of being more compassionate with myself about the real reason. I’m also worried those around me I care about think the same of me.

It’s also tied up with self-destructive patterns (maybe that’s a whole other post…) that happen when I’m stressed out. Drinking, smoking, staying up late, eating crap etc – which I do as coping mechanisms that then make my life much harder and contribute to not being able to muster up the energy to do anything for myself.

It’s bloody hard when your starting place is struggling to care about your own welfare, about being healthy physically, and mentally. And so you just stay stuck in the perpetual loop of making things worse for yourself.

I just get so frustrated that I try and do things to change elements of my life, then something triggers stress, I end up not looking after myself, then I end up not being able to do the very thing that I’m trying to improve my life with. Then I feel back to square one, and a failure.

Right now, I think the only way I’m going to break this chain of events is avoiding things for the next few weeks, unless it’s exercise. And quitting drinking the rest of this month. It definitely won’t fix everything, but it’s worth a try to lessen the worse impacts of depression and anxiety.

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