CW: sui thoughts, worthlessness – descriptive thoughts
I’m not sharing this to FB. If people stumble on it, fine. But this is for me, to try and vent how I feel. Not for anyone else. It’s got to be better than bottling this stuff up. I feel worthless.
I have been for a fair few interviews in the last few weeks, and got none of the jobs. I’ve started CBT therapy, and one of the things recognised is that far too much self worth I feel is wrapped up in my employment status. That’s such a cultural thing, another damaging side effect of capitalism. It’s not uncommon, I know that. But I reject it – it’s not who I am. Yet there is a voice in my head who very much agree with this – and it is making me feel like shit.
I have another interview tomorrow. And I feel sick. I just keep thinking, why face the humiliation again. Just to be turned down again. I’m no good, I’m useless, I’m worthless. Putting myself through all this stressful shit again just to be turned down again. I really can’t do this much longer. I’m really struggling to pick myself up again after each rejection.
I’m then worrying that because I can’t focus because I’m too busy worrying/wanting to die, I won’t prepare well enough and I then I’ll definitely fuck it up. And I have no concentration to do anything. Then I hate myself more.
Today and yesterday I’ve just been having suicidal ideation again. It’s less upsetting and scary than it was before because of the medication I’m on that I’ve up the dosage of.. which is good in the way that it freaked me the hell out before, but then suicide seeming less scary is not necessarily a good thing.
I still don’t think it’s active. It’s not gone beyond vivid thoughts of how I’d do it. I’ve made no plans, and haven’t started assembling anything to do it. And that’s what doctors monitor this by (whether or not you need more serious help) so I’m guessing it will pass. It’s probably more just not wanting to be alive, and feel some relief from my thoughts troubling me than it is actively going to do anything.
I just really feel like I can’t take this any more. I’ll probably be OK though. I’m just speaking out about how I feel – and often that diffuses it somewhat.