My mood has dipped and I’m not feeling like doing anything. Not leaving the house, not doing the work I need to do, not doing anything in the house, nothing. I hate this. I’m on increased meds and I’m looking after myself on the whole, but I think the shorter hours of sunlight are getting to me, despite using my SAD lamps religiously.
It’s annoying as I should be happy. Many of you with mental health conditions know this feeling. The ‘Why the hell am I feeling miserable when I have nothing to feel miserable about?’ feeling. Then the beating yourself up about it because you can’t be happy and grateful, beaming from ear to ear swinging around lampposts and singing. ‘OH THE JOY AND WONDERMENT OF LIFE!’ This is how sometimes I feel I’m expected to feel by constant positivity propaganda. I’m vary wary of it at best and other times it makes me want to spew.
Well aren’t I a little ray of pitch black? My friend sent me this image macro used in this post recently and it did make me chuckle. I think it’s important to remember sometimes that we don’t need to positive ourselves out of feeling crappy, we are allowed to just feel crappy and sit with that rather than glossing things over.
‘It’s OK to not be OK’. In fact an image macro of just that is something that helps me when I feel rubbish rather than overly motivational thanks-giving claptrap on days like today. I am trying to remember today instead of beating myself up for rainbows not beaming out of my ass.
I got great news, which is that I have landed a job with a disability charity who I disclosed to and who have taken all of my reasonable adjustments on board. Which is why I’m feeling extra guilty for feeling rubbish. It’s like I’m not allowed because I have this great news. Which sounds ridiculous now I type it. Great news doesn’t change the fact I have mental health conditions which means to an extent I can’t control how I feel. Sometimes typing this stuff out help me realise this. Still that voice says ‘Why can’t you just be happy about this and enjoy the moment?’
I’m also really scared about it. After my last hideous experience of employment, who can blame me? It’s hard not to have reservations and expect the worst. Also, it’s been 10 months since I’ve had to deal with people in a small noisy office and despite my reasonable adjustments to help that, I’m really anxious about it. So yeah, that’s what’s going on in my head about all of this. ARGH.
Also a large chunk of it is fear of the unknown. Wish me luck.