I’m working from home today after an anxiety-ridden night & vivid, lucid dreams. The dreams were more nightmares to begin with and felt very intense. The last bit of rest i got this morning, however, they’d changed to more pleasant dreams, thank goodness. Still exhausting though!
I searched online for why this is happening. Apparently stress and my medication (Escitalopram) can both cause it. Hopefully as stress winds down in the new year and spring begins I can taper of the medication and it’ll help. I’m on the verge of the winter crazies (S.A.D) though, so no medication reduction for me just yet!
I’ve also found out at work that redundancies are happening – my role is up. There’s another role to apply for, but there’s competition from other colleagues, people I’m very fond of, which just adds to the stress.
My head is just whirling with thoughts around how the hell am I going to get anyone to employ me again? I have to disclose and I need reasonable adjustments. This is the only place that has accepted all of that and let me do my damn job.
After the fuckery I went through at my last job, it’s understandable I’m freaking out a bit about what comes next. After finishing there, I had a long while to find anyone willing to take on someone they view as damaged goods or extra expense.
Just look at the employment campaigns from two major disability charities right now, Scope’s Work With Me and Leonard Cheshire’s Untapped Talent. Look at the stats around disabled people in work. It’s disgusting that whilst the government are claiming they’re helping people back into work by slashing their benefits, they’re doing fuck all to impose greater restrictions on organisations to stop them discriminating based on disability in the hiring process.
I literally wrote a blog for work yesterday (for World Mental Health day) stating that no one I know is aware of Access to Work help, unless they’re a disability rights campaigner themselves or work for a disability charity. Wtf? Talk about a carrot made of more stick.
For anyone reading who is not aware, Access To Work is a fund to help you into work as a disabled person. It can help fund adjustments and equipment you need as a disabled person to level the playing field at work. They assess you and make recommendations then help/completely cover the cost. Cynical me imagines there’s deliberate reasons why that’s not common knowledge.
Anyway, I’m in full on feeling sorry for myself mode, before I need to give myself a kick up the arse and find a new job. There’s a slim chance I’ll be kept for the newly created role, but I’ve very capable colleagues also going for it and there’s no guarantee the same won’t be the case in another 3 months time.
I’ll end on the chirpy note that’s it’s hard not to internalise this shit when your work just keeps going wrong. I know redundancy is no one’s fault but hard not to feel there’s something wrong with me when wherever I work something goes horribly wrong. Just ARGH.