Fat and body acceptance

(TW: Fatphobia, ableism & I specifically mention gym statuses – so if you post them and you’re going to get upset with me disagreeing with them, I’m pre-warning you now.)

What does this have to do with mental health? Everything. Underlying or accompanying a lot of lack of feeling of self-worth is low self-esteem. It’s a vicious circle. We presume our low self-esteem is there because we suck and changing those things we don’t like about ourselves is the only way to move on.

Ever feel like you’re still not happy when you change those things? Like when you get more buff (presuming you can – that you’re able bodied) but you’re still miserable? Could it be there’s too much focus put on how you look rather than actually taking care of how you feel – your own sense of self?

I’m finally beginning to understand the things people say like ‘it wasn’t until I began to love myself that I lost weight because I was focusing on taking care of myself instead of crash dieting’. Although I’ll go on to say this is BS as the focus inevitably still comes back to weight and some of us can’t magic up self-love that quickly.

We’re taught to value ourselves by how we look, if we fit in and if we look like X aspirational person. As someone who dresses alternative, the alt scene is just as culpable for this – modelling clichés about skinniness or muscular types being more attractive – just like the mainstream.

What do we think this is doing to our mental health? Half of us will never looked like whichever airbrushed image we’re desperately aspiring to. Not only is it unrealistic, but it’s harmful. Perpetuating this bullshit that the beauty, health & gym industries shove down our throats is harmful. It often comes off as fat shaming and ableist.

For instance, it’s insensitive to post a picture of your workout/you at the gym when people viewing your feed may be too sick/disabled to make it to the gym. It’s backing up the idea that what you’re doing is virtuous and something to be congratulated, which therefore sends the message that not doing workouts or exercise should be shameful. Or that fat people should lose weight otherwise they’re bad in some way.

As well as being tactless, it comes off as fake body positivity. My guess is if most people were happy with their bodies, they wouldn’t need to share those posts. It’s to illicit a response (i.e. approval) from everyone else. People who have defended themselves by saying that they are keeping a track of their success and improvements in the gym – why haven’t you chosen ‘me only’ FB posts or kept it in a spreadsheet offline? Point is, to fat and/or disabled people who will never achieve those levels of fitness, it feels like those posts are designed to elevate yourself above us.

If you’re one of these people and you feel attacked right now, I urge you to have a think about why you do and the effects of it. I will obviously never tell anyone what to post on their social media accounts that is up to them. But I think a bit of self-awareness and reflection is no bad thing.

In terms of defending myself, I’ve unfollowed all social accounts that repeat offend. I do go the gym, yoga and this clubbing dance class. I go primarily because of my mental health, to make me feel better. Secondarily, I go to look after my physical health. However it’s my own personal journey I don’t want to share with others because of the reasons above – and because it’s a personal journey.

Finally I’ve been working really hard at looking outwards in the terms of why I hate my body. I watched an awesome webinar by The Body Is Not An Apology (which I have done so much reading on to help me) on radical self-love & fat acceptance. It talks about how we’ve been totally brain washed to hate ourselves so we buy products and surgery etc to come closer to this ideal. It shares the idea we can reject all of this by practising radical self-love. Which is a fuck you to a society that tells us we’re worth less if we’re fat, as well as a fuck you to capitalism.

In terms of radical self-love, I’m trying. It’s hard when you’ve had anxiety and depression for more than half of your life. It’s also hard when even your own feeds on social media are full of fat shaming shit like the above, or more obvious versions of it. I’m working on body and self-acceptance for now though.


Access denied: NHS Mental Health Services

Access denied stamp

CW: Alcoholism, NHS funding cuts (which can cause acute anxiety)

My mind feels so all about the place at the moment – and has done for the last couple of months. Sorry for the delay in posting anything. I keep thinking of coherent blog topics and then by the time I get around to posting something it’s just verbal diarrhoea because there’s so much going on for me mentally.

On the surface, things have improved. I’ve got part time freelance work coming in, social arrangements several times a week (meaning I’m now regularly leaving the house), appointments for things to help with mental health (and my back issues that feed in to my mh conditions) like yoga, the gym, mindfulness/meditation. But it’s occurred to me none of these things take the place of actual therapy, which I cannot afford privately and won’t get through the NHS.

When I’m feeling more coherent I want to write about my experience of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) earlier this year, as well as cuts to NHS Mental Health Care funding meaning a tonne of us are falling through the cracks (which sparked the #MHCareSoPoor on Twitter over the last couple of months).

I’ve spoken to others who live locally who are also experiencing real issues in accessing funding. It’s not seen as a funding priority despite the life threatening nature of mental health conditions – and is part of the bigger picture of NHS cuts that are leaving the service in crisis. Not being to access services needed, as well as being acutely aware of the NHS crumbling around us does NOTHING to help the condition of your mental health.


Something I’ve also recently starting tackling is alcohol. So by societal/AA/local alcohol services I’m not an ‘alcoholic’ (I don’t buy in to this definition as alcohol abuse/dependency is not that clear cut to me and starts a lot earlier than when you start drinking vodka when you first wake up), however I feel that my binge drinking is a problematic crutch for me. I don’t know when to stop once I start, have had nights I can’t remember parts of, it fucks up my sleep and how well my anti-depressants work and I suffer awful anxiety and depression the following day/s. I use it to blot out anxiety and it only ends up worsening it.

I’ve referred myself to the local drug and alcohol service. I’ve had limited success with them because they have restricted funding and are dealing with people who are physically addicted and DO start drinking when they wake up. It’s frustrating for the same reasons as the mental health care service funding cuts. You end up feeling like ‘How bad do I need this to be before I get help?’

I imagined they would help me identify triggers and give me useful tips on scenarios to avoid. But I’ve just been told to use the group sessions, which so far seem to be for people in much more serious, primary addiction scenarios. I see my situation as secondary to my mental health conditions – a case of self medicating ineffectually. However the fact remains that prevention is better than cure and alcoholism is a slippery slope from just drinking too much IMHO. (I’ve recently read Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Control Alcohol which is as problematic AF in parts, but sort of unfucks your mind from all the booze social norms and advertising. It suggests all drinkers are somewhere on a spectrum and there’s no clear divide like ‘not being an alcoholic’ – it’s interesting, although a controversial viewpoint admittedly.)

Again I was chatting to someone the other day and we agreed that it feels like the drug and alcohol services where we are being seen and used as mental health overflow. So no longer being helped by the NHS after being slapped on medication and given 6 CBT sessions (in my case after being at crisis point, which you have to question the suitability of a few CBT sessions for) we’re shunted over to another service with limited suitability as we still need ongoing support.

It’s a mess that gives me massive anxiety just thinking about it. Will we be able to halt the inevitable privatisation of healthcare in this country? I already can’t access counselling as it’s not offered where I am on the NHS any more, will I and everyone else with similar MH conditions be in a situation eventually where we can’t afford anything but pills? The concept of no NHS is just so frightening I keep trying not to think about it to not worsen my anxiety, but pretending it’s not happening won’t make it go away.

Right now I’m focusing on the potential of alcohol abstinence in the long term, after 3 days of anxiety and depression following two large glasses of wine. I have no idea if it’s the wine’s fault (I usually drink way more than that on a Friday night, so this was pretty reserved for me. Plus I didn’t smoke, went to bed at a reasonable time and went to a class Saturday morning. But seems like you can’t stop the mind worms, even when you control environmental factors.)

Return of the S.A.D….

Maybe it’s ‘just’ winter creeping in, which is when I inevitably watch my mental health deteriorate again. Fun times! I’d love some advice to determine the cause, but looks like I’m not going to get that from anywhere. So trial and error it is. I’ve made an appointment to up my anti-depressant dosage this week and I think the rest of the day will be spent in bed staring at the ceiling.

World Suicide Prevention Day 2016

CW: Sui
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Please share this to your Social Media accounts for anyone who may be having suicidal thoughts.
I felt it problematic sharing a lot of the messages out there saying that suicide is 100% preventable. As someone who has had suicidal thoughts & attempted suicide in the past, I would never want my loved ones feeling like there’s anything they could have done to stop me once I’d done it. *However* you can certainly help by staying calm, not trying to fix things and just listening & asking open ended questions & being supportive.
I also understand that talking about it to help end the stigma is NOT enough alone. It’s not just stigma that ends with people up in that place, although it’s a massive contributor. Everything society places value on like status, wealth, only caring about yourself, as well as making sure oppressed people (I.e. poor, disabled, PoC, queer) never have a level playing field contributes to people ending up feeling suicidal – especially those with existing mental health conditions not getting the help they need.
So I was left thinking what is helpful to post today, as a lot of the messages out there are too simplistic. So I’ve just put together these three numbers for anyone feeling suicidal out there, please share this to your feeds for anyone who may be suffering in silence.

The glorification of busy

Glorification of busy

(CW: Hate crime, Euthanasia, Disability Discrimination, anxiety and depression descriptions.)

I have an internal conflict occurring right now which sometimes makes me feel like I’m going to explode. There’s all these things I want to go, do and see. All of this activism I want to take part in, all of this writing, picking up old blogs, keeping this one up to date, all of this volunteering whether it be campaigning, hands on helping the vulnerable or just helping run the local anarchist library. I want to exercise, I want to be out in the sunshine.

But I just feel so completely overwhelmed at the thought of, well in today’s case, even taking my mind of things by doing some colouring in. Yeah, I couldn’t pick up the book. It’s hard to do anything you really want to when you can do little more than stare at the wall.

So I’m just remaining inside, on the couch, using the list above as a rod to metaphorically beat myself with. A horrid catch 22 of daring to think about desirable activities and then how fucking useless I am for not doing any of them.

My compassionate voice I practiced so well seems to have packed up and shipped out since my 1 to 1 CBT ended, and my other therapy since is having limited results. I just keep getting so frustrated at myself for having all these ideas and not acting on them. Like I’ll never have anything to show for my life. I’ve dropped off social for a few days too, I can’t be dealing with people when I can’t even deal with myself.

I watched this really good TED Talk earlier on the Slow Movement. Everyone living life at a calmer pace instead of on amphetamines the whole time. Sounded amazing in a perfect world, but I wonder how many people with stressful jobs and kids can afford to do that.

I always harp on about productivity being ableist and hate holding myself up to that standard, but it’s so damned ingrained in us. If you’re not producing, you’re worthless. The horrific extreme of this notion resulting in events like the (link CW: euthanasia, hate crime, disability discrimination) tragic killings in Japan I awoke to this morning. Hate crimes like this against disabled people demonstrate how deeply problematic societal views on productivity are. That was very hard to read, and my thoughts are with the victims’ friends and families.

The one thing I did manage to get around the mental block of was updating this blog. So there’s something, eh? Basically I kept thinking, it has to be perfect, it has to be well written, it has to be relevant, it has to be useful to others, if it’s not, then why bother.

But then I was reading Purple Persuasion earlier (Charlotte AKA Bipolar Blogger’s blog, which I really recommend if you have not seen it already) and something Charlotte said in a less recent post rang true with me, which is… this post doesn’t have to be for campaigning, for perfection, for other people. This can just be catharsis. And putting back in that frame made me be able to write this, even if it’s not perfectly crafted.

I always have to keep pulling myself away from this idea my worth is only what I’ve got to show for my day, rather than just concentrating on my mood. It’s unhelpful, oppressive and dangerous. The struggle in my head is the worst – between this view and what I’ve been taught to believe about low or no productivity – creates an emotional state akin to a rollercoaster. One I’m screaming to get off of.

I’ve drawn up a schedule of the next few days. This was an attempt to get a bit of a routine to stick to and keep a bit busier if I can. My concern now is it will either stay empty, or be filled full of activities I will not undertake, serving only as a shrine to my underachievement and laziness.

7/23 #CripLit Twitter Chat: Disabled Writers & Disabled Characters

Excellent opportunity for disabled writers to raise awareness of disabled literature and writers.

Disability Visibility Project

#CripLit Twitter Chat

Disabled Writers & Disabled Characters

Co-hosts: Nicola Griffith @nicolaz & Alice Wong @DisVisibility

Saturday, July 23, 2016

4pm Pacific/ 7 pm Eastern

The Disability Visibility Project is proud to partner with novelist Nicola Griffith in our first ever Twitter chat for disabled writers and writing disabled characters. Nicola Griffith is the creator of the #CripLit series and the DVP is the co-host/supporting partner.

All disabled writers are welcome to participate in the chat but please note we will be discussing fiction. Check the #CripLit hashtag on Twitter for announcements of future chats that will focus on different genres or posts from these two websites:



How to Participate

Follow @nicolaz and @DisVisibility on Twitter

Use the hashtag #CripLitwhen you tweet

Check out this explanation of how to participate in a chat by Ruti Regan: https://storify.com/RutiRegan/examplechat

If you don’t use Twitter and want to follow along…

View original post 601 more words

Beating myself up for not being productive enough


[CW: Mentions alcoholism, self-loathing, unemployment stigma]

The other day I had an angry neighbour complaining about rubble in front of our place, because we’re having plumbing problems fixed. Another neighbour said it wasn’t theirs, and told this guy to come talk to me. He passively aggressively made loud comments about me, knowing my windows were open.

The comments were something along the lines of implying I was a stay at home alcoholic. (And he made a reference to a certain drink I’m quite fond of, which as you can imagine, made my friends laugh when I told them.)

Firstly, can I just say, this dude must be at home all day himself to notice that I have been too. Secondly, he must have nothing better to worry about. Thirdly, why are you watching my comings and goings, you creepy prick?

Alcoholism, although people joke about it casually, is a fucking sad disease. So let’s say for a minute what he said was true about me. Then, at best, he’s a callous wanker for yelling about it outside my house.

Finally, and I hate to say this because it is the least relevant point, I was freelancing from home that day (and am very fortunate to have acquired a bit of freelance work). But even if I wasn’t working, his attitude and behaviour is completely unacceptable.

It reminds me of the whole skivers vs. strivers rhetoric the government has built up to make us all hate on each other instead of criticising them. More specifically, it reminds me of the comments made by Osbourne in 2012 on the unfairness of those on benefits keeping their blinds down whilst their neighbours went to work. It sparked the Twitter #mycurtainsareclosedbecause… which as you can remember or imagine, contained some hilarious Tweets.

But this guy’s abusive crap got me thinking, that this is the kind of story about ourselves we end up internalising if we can’t work or can’t get work because of disabilities, including mental health problems. And this just ends up running into every part of my thought processes.

So even when I spend a whole day job searching, I beat myself up for not having done the dishes and also something for my mental health like exercise or learning something new. Most upsettingly, it’s this constant trying to live up to these high levels of ‘get stuff done’ that helped land me in that breakdown at the beginning of the year. Yet ironically, looking after my mental health has become another ‘to do’ checkbox that if I don’t get done, I use as another stick to beat myself with.

Motivation for blogging

I’m also struggling to find motivation to write articles at the moment, despite having a lot of ideas about what to write.

Half of me wants to write personally about how I feel for catharsis, the other wants this blog to be way more than just naval-gazing ‘look at me’ blogging. Maybe that sounds too harsh on myself, but that seems to be the theme of the last week or so.

The EU Referendum just happened, and I really want to write a piece on how that will impact employment rights for disabled people. (The truth being the impacts will be way larger for many disabled people who can’t work – and that’s a whole other post, which is why I’d want to start there.)

However I just find that voice in my head (I call him David Cameron – to belittle it and make it easier to tell it to fuck off!) saying that it won’t be any good, that there’s others out there who know more, who are better at this kind of commentary – and ultimately what I write will pale in comparison. So why bother? Depression really fucks with your self-esteem.

So instead of writing about politics (because I’m not good enough to, according to Mr. Cameron), and not writing about my personal experiences (which is whiny / attention seeking, according to David) I write about nothing.

As I type this, I’m so pissed off that my demotivation is caused by such awful internalised bull crap points of view like this, still. They’re not my opinions, they’re the opinions that get shoved down our throats and etched onto our psyches until we believe them to be ours. Which is so poisonous.

Which just goes to show, that no matter how much I bang on about challenging mental health stigma, I’m still totally prone to voices (or this main one, thanks Dave!) telling me I’m attention seeking, making it up, being a downer – or that I need to ‘add value’ somehow to my posts.

Oh, and don’t forget the whole only being as important as your productivity. So if you don’t do much because of your mental health, you’re not worth much. (Again, this is utter shit, but it’s what society tells us.)

Being more compassionate with myself (and ultimately telling David Cameron to fuck off) was working well up to a point when I was still in therapy recently. Now I’m not, I’m finding it harder to keep it up. The self-doubt and self-loathing is creeping back in. And that’s a place it’s so hard to look after yourself from. Which becomes a vicious cycle.

Work are treating me unfairly because of anxiety

[Content warning: sui (non-graphic, just mentioned), graphic description of anxiety symptoms]

Sound familiar? I’m putting together and sending someone I know a bunch of resources I found helpful in challenging my last employer – to help them fight their case with their company.

Like me, they’re sadly having to educate their employer about their rights under the equality law. Cue a massive sigh from me – when the fuck will employers take this seriously?? Anyway, I thought it’d be useful for others if I posted those resources I’m sending to that someone – and give a bit of advice at the same time. Beware of the colossal length of this post!

Without wanting to sound like one of those hooky adverts for workplace accidents… are you constantly in fear of going to work? Do you dread going back because of the way you’re being treated? Have you tried to speak up about your mental health concerns and ended up penalised/demoted/had responsibilities stripped away from you because you’ve owned up to feeling anxious/depressed or having other symptoms of mental health problems?

Then the chances are your employer doesn’t know shit about mental health, the equality act, and their responsibilities under it when you’ve expressed concern about your health, and they don’t support you.

Here’s some advice and links I’ve thrown together so you can defend yourself, avoid further penalisation/demotion etc – and make them realise they’re treating you unfairly because of your health – which is illegal.

[DISCLAIMER: If you have read my past blog posts, you’ll know from my experience that I still had to leave my last place, because they were still shit even after I challenged them.

But there is a chance that with larger companies and HR departments who do know their responsibilities, these tips may help – i.e. you may just be dealing with a few ignoramuses who manage you, who haven’t been trained properly, whereas getting HR involved may help.

Either way if you feel strong enough, it’s worth building your knowledge – you’ll feel more confident about not letting them get the better of you, and find out if they really are just ignorant – or if they’re negligent. So if you feel you can, tool up and fight, you Mental Health Warrior!]

1. Join a union

I’m a member of Unite. I’m not sure what the policy is if you’re not a unionised workplace, I had to go through a rep at my workplace. Whilst they didn’t have great knowledge about disability law, they certainly were supportive and sympathetic, and having them in meetings made HR take me more seriously. But Google ‘unions uk’, and find one suitable for your employment. Unison is another that springs to mind.

What this advice boils down to is, if you have grounds for constructive dismissal or unfair dismissal, you can’t afford lawyers’ fees unless you earn below £10k (thanks, Tories!) If you’re part of a union, you’ll get legal assistance if it comes to this. Membership is worth this alone.

2. See a doctor.
I can’t express enough how clear you have to be about what is bothering you and what you need. As soon as I did that, I got what I needed. But save yourself wasted trips beating around the bush like I did at first.

I only got signed off when I bought up needing it myself, which is ridiculous considering how ill I was & how many times I’d been in before specifically saying that my employment and the way I was being treated there was a contributing factor.

Be explicit and specific. So how exactly do you feel emotionally and physically? What are your symptoms? Are you sick, nauseous, can’t sleep, can’t concentrate? Can’t eat? Can’t leave the house? Do you feel suicidal? Or at least, do you wish you were dead? If work is causing it, how?

If you feel like going back to the office will trigger panic attacks or worse, tell the doctor in those exact words. Be specific about the fact that work has caused it. This all will help defend you if things escalate. And doctors won’t try and read your mind, especially if they’re under time constraints, so you need to be really specific. Say ‘I think I need to be signed off’ if it needs to be spelled out. Your mental health comes first, fuck the guilt around this condition.

3. Learn to advocate, and stop being pushed around

One the best pieces of advice I was given at my old job (was lucky enough to work with an awesome couple of disabled people also being treated crappily because the culture/structure there) was, ‘if you don’t know your rights and don’t learn to self-advocate, they’ll think they can get away with doing nothing.’ Basically ‘self-advocating’ means understanding disability and employment law and using it to kick an employer’s arse into action.

Time To Change has this helpful blog article which discusses how ‘capability [disciplinary] procedures aren’t supposed to be used in cases of long term illness’. There’s lots of other stuff on that site to help with workplace stigma and discrimination – try this article on Where Do I Stand Legally? It’ll let you know what you can do about being treated unfairly.

Citizen’s Advice Bureau has everything more generally employment related. Here’s some facts about being treated unfairly at work when you have stress and anxiety. Dig around the employment section for more advice relevant to your situation. I found ACAS really useful too. Because I was fighting for reasonable adjustments like second day working from home, I found their stuff about discrimination and flexible working helpful.

A lot of the above should cover you even if this is your first bout of depression and anxiety. However if you have ongoing (I’ve had it about 15 years +) and it’s severe or you have Schizophrenia, Borderline, Bipolar and other disorders, you are classified disabled. Read ACAS’ guide to disability discrimination to help you determine if what your employer is doing counts as that.

If you have any doubts over whether or not your mental health condition is protected by disability law – read this brilliant MIND website piece that confirmed it for me. It’ll help you feel empowered by that piece of your identity, and be confident you’re protected by disability law. (Interesting point in this article, even though I’m much better for taking my crazy pills – I am still considered disabled because of my poor health without them.)

If this is your first bout of depression and/or anxiety, you should still be supported not penalised, and should not be treated unfairly. Therefore even if you’re not sure your MH condition classifies you as disabled, you are still entitled to support – and bullying/harassment is still illegal.

I will do a separate post on the practicalities of requesting reasonable adjustments of your employer, but for now, I hope the above helps. If anyone wants to email me to ask about their specific situation, I’m more than willing to try and help where I can.

I’m self-taught, and not the final word on the law by any means (!) – but I’m willing to offer rough advice if it’s helpful. My email is Moody Crazy Lazy [at] Gmail [dot] com. Or pop a comment on this post and I’ll reply.

Power to the MH clan! 🙂

~ MCL x