(CW: Hate crime, Euthanasia, Disability Discrimination, anxiety and depression descriptions.)
I have an internal conflict occurring right now which sometimes makes me feel like I’m going to explode. There’s all these things I want to go, do and see. All of this activism I want to take part in, all of this writing, picking up old blogs, keeping this one up to date, all of this volunteering whether it be campaigning, hands on helping the vulnerable or just helping run the local anarchist library. I want to exercise, I want to be out in the sunshine.
But I just feel so completely overwhelmed at the thought of, well in today’s case, even taking my mind of things by doing some colouring in. Yeah, I couldn’t pick up the book. It’s hard to do anything you really want to when you can do little more than stare at the wall.
So I’m just remaining inside, on the couch, using the list above as a rod to metaphorically beat myself with. A horrid catch 22 of daring to think about desirable activities and then how fucking useless I am for not doing any of them.
My compassionate voice I practiced so well seems to have packed up and shipped out since my 1 to 1 CBT ended, and my other therapy since is having limited results. I just keep getting so frustrated at myself for having all these ideas and not acting on them. Like I’ll never have anything to show for my life. I’ve dropped off social for a few days too, I can’t be dealing with people when I can’t even deal with myself.
I watched this really good TED Talk earlier on the Slow Movement. Everyone living life at a calmer pace instead of on amphetamines the whole time. Sounded amazing in a perfect world, but I wonder how many people with stressful jobs and kids can afford to do that.
I always harp on about productivity being ableist and hate holding myself up to that standard, but it’s so damned ingrained in us. If you’re not producing, you’re worthless. The horrific extreme of this notion resulting in events like the (link CW: euthanasia, hate crime, disability discrimination) tragic killings in Japan I awoke to this morning. Hate crimes like this against disabled people demonstrate how deeply problematic societal views on productivity are. That was very hard to read, and my thoughts are with the victims’ friends and families.
The one thing I did manage to get around the mental block of was updating this blog. So there’s something, eh? Basically I kept thinking, it has to be perfect, it has to be well written, it has to be relevant, it has to be useful to others, if it’s not, then why bother.
But then I was reading Purple Persuasion earlier (Charlotte AKA Bipolar Blogger’s blog, which I really recommend if you have not seen it already) and something Charlotte said in a less recent post rang true with me, which is… this post doesn’t have to be for campaigning, for perfection, for other people. This can just be catharsis. And putting back in that frame made me be able to write this, even if it’s not perfectly crafted.
I always have to keep pulling myself away from this idea my worth is only what I’ve got to show for my day, rather than just concentrating on my mood. It’s unhelpful, oppressive and dangerous. The struggle in my head is the worst – between this view and what I’ve been taught to believe about low or no productivity – creates an emotional state akin to a rollercoaster. One I’m screaming to get off of.
I’ve drawn up a schedule of the next few days. This was an attempt to get a bit of a routine to stick to and keep a bit busier if I can. My concern now is it will either stay empty, or be filled full of activities I will not undertake, serving only as a shrine to my underachievement and laziness.